Just an update, as I haven’t written anything in quite a while:
I’ve relapsed with smoking. I went for four weeks clean. It was a tumultuous time, what with the lucid dreaming, the cravings, and at first, the painful successes at denying myself a smoke. But time passed and I lost my mind. So, here I am back to smoking like a fiend…sort of.
I’m getting married next month to a wonderful woman who’s simply amazing. I never thought this day would arrive, and perhaps part of me tried to avoid it for quite some time. The stress over planning our nuptuals also helped to break me (with the smoking) but in the end, it was just a lack of willpower. I vow to make a second attempt when my mind is more at ease, if ever.
Now that I’m in an LTR, I’m finding it difficult to do some of the things I did when single. Namely, crash at the cafe, smoke, and talk shit the whole day through – on my off days, of course. I don’t get to see people that I miss, but this is in no way my fiance’s fault. She lets me breathe. I guess it can be summed up to the fact that I don’t really feel like leaving the house much these days.
While she’s at work, I’m home alone, getting my solo time. When she’s home, I like to be with her, even if we’re doing different things. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that she’s only in the next room.
When the mood strikes, I hit my haunt with some ghosts, and party like it’s 1999, Bela Lugosi style. But now, at the end of the night, there isn’t a hunt, or a ploy to acquire. There is only the knowledge of knowing I have someone incredible to go home to.
Like all relationships, we have our ups and downs, but we’re smart enough to understand why a low is a low, and why a high is a high. We’re too “old” and experienced to be silly about either feeling. Nothing about us is close to perfect, but I enjoy our flaws as much as our merits.
On a low note and an unrelated topic, I lost an old friend this week. Without provocation, I was insulted by someone whom I had only tried to help for the past six or seven years. But like my friend Reybee said and experienced himself with another person, you can only do so much for a person who’s personal tragedy is self-imposed. So I’m done with her. I, like you, have my own shit to deal with and always will. At the very least though, I can say that I’ll always be true to my “type”, and will never feel shame about who I am. Too bad she couldn’t. Oh well….
Ch-Ch-Changes are afoot. And they are welcome here.