Z: “You’re Honor, I’d like to relieve my counsel from her duty and represent myself.”
The Judge: “That is within your right, sir. However, you should know that a man who represents himself has a fool for a client.”
Z: “Touche, Your Honor. And if every fool wore a crown, we’d all be king.”
The Judge: “Strike one, young man.”
Z: “Your Honor, with your permission, I’d like to state my case, addressing the jury and the court directly.”
The Judge: “Proceed with caution.”
Z: “Throwing caution to the wind, (“Strike two, young man”, interjected The Judge), I’d like to make clear to all in attendance that neither you, Your Honor, nor the jury are worthy enough to pass judgment on me. I don’t believe in God, but for the sake of argument, let us pretend. In this here our Christian nation, let us pretend I’m a Christian. And by Christian doctrine, as dictated to us by the very word of God, bestowed unto us in the form of the bible, only God can judge me, can judge us. To continue with these proceedings is to prove you all to be hypocrites, myself included by proxy.”
The Judge: “Strike three, Mr. Z. Bailiff, please escort Mr. Z. to our holding cell. Mr. Z., I’m holding you in contempt of court for two nights, not to be released without paying a fine of $200. Perhaps, when we convene in two days, you will have learned that it is not wise to mock the court.”
Z: “It is what it is.”
Two days later.
The Judge: “How was your stay in our fine establishment, Mr. Z.?”
Z: “It wasn’t that much different from the studio I live in, Your Honor. And the rent is cheaper as well.”
The Judge: Stern look. “Tread lightly, sir.”
Z: “Like Michael Phelps, Your Honor. Like Michael Phelps. To continue where I left off, let us look at the flip side of this coin. Let us pretend, that much like me, none of us in attendance today are Christians. Let us pretend we are either atheists or agnostics, thereby placing no God, no ultimate judge, above us. Now, in this situation, who then is fit to judge me, Your Honor? The answer is no one. For if we are all but creatures that slithered forth from the oceans, whom among us did not crawl across the mud to the grassy lands? Science has taught us that much, eh?”
A void opens on the eastern wall of the courtroom, from which Fat Marie emerges.
Not The Judge, not the Jury, not the members of the court – not one of them were surprised by this inexplicable farce upon the laws of physics. Only Mh Z hit the floor in shock. Before cracking his head on the marble tiles, falling unconscious, Mh Z saw and heard but one thing: Fat Marie, pointing her short, fat finger in his direction, repeatedly screaming one word over and over: “GUILTY!”