Missed Connections: Online Dating.

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Posted by anonymous:

“I decided to take the plunge at the end of last year and join match.com. I don’t know what anyone else’s experience with this site has been, I thought it would be an interesting way to meet members of the opposite sex, since the bar scene just wasn’t doing it for me. I am an attractive, self aware, kind, successful individual, and I do meet men when I go out, but not ones that share interests or hobbies. It often proves difficult to start something with someone you have nothing in common with. This is where match came into the picture.

I posted my profile, the fact that I’d like to meet someone with similar interests, etc. And I did get great responses from people. One of those people, I went out on a date with, and I’ve been seeing him since the end of Jan. It has turned into a physical relationship and the physical chemistry is great, as is the mental chemistry. We speak a lot over the phone when we can’t see each other; he opens up to me about things in his life, and I tell him about things in my life. It seemed like everything was going great (and still are…I think), so I decided to ask him where he thought things were going.

His response was, “I don’t know, where do you think this is going?” And the only way I could respond was, “I don’t know either, I don’t want to rush into things because it could ruin it. I’m not the type of girl looking to get married next week, and I’m not the type of girl that sleeps around.” Which is completely true. I see people running around from relationship to relationship, just to have someone to call their bf or gf, or to find Mr/Ms Right Now, and that’s not me. But that left more questions for me.

So I mustered up the courage and asked if he was seeing other people or if he was pursuing others. (I think when you’re having a physical relationship with someone it’s great to be open and honest, make sure everyone’s on the same page.) He said no. Though, the next thing he said totally baffled me. “But if you met someone and wanted to see them, I would expect that you would tell me and be open with me, and I with you.” Is this normal if you’re seeing someone that you like to say something like that? I mean, sure, being open and honest is a must, but if you’re serious about someone, isn’t pursuing someone else not a part of the equation any longer? Or is it too soon in my interaction with Mr. X to assume such a thing since he isn’t my “bf”?

I have never had a physical relationship with someone I have met online before. Honestly, it has been a while since I have had a physical relationship with anyone. Maybe I am trying to sabotage this interaction by thinking about things too much, and I should just let things run their course?

I guess The thing that sticks out in my mind, and part of the reason I’m ranting/raving here in missed connections is that he still has his match account, where as mine has been inactive for quite some time. I tend to wonder what he uses it for, if he checks it because he paid for it, if he’s still looking, or if I’m just being insecure in myself etc?

I also tend to wonder if people are missing their connections with other’s because of sites like match.com? Is the fact that there is so much choice at our fingertips so alluring that you can’t be with one person and be happy? That there has to be constant search for more?

I am really confused about online dating, or maybe about dating in general. What the goals are, why people do it, and I would love to have a email convo with someone about this. Feel free to write me if you have any experience with this whole online genre of dating.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant about missed connections.”

My reply:

I don’t know if this will help, but this is the way I see it:

I honestly believe that “online” people are not your average, every-day person. Not yet, anyway. Times are changing rather quickly, and one day, this email will be obsolete. Everyone will be like “us”.

No matter how emotional people like you and I might be, I still see us primarily as “thinkers”. Why? Because of the years we’ve spent online. It has changed us, molded us into who we are today, and who’ll we’ll be tomorrow.

We know More, therefore, we want More. For years we’ve been sharing what is perhaps the most important part of ourselves – our minds! We wouldn’t continue to do this if we didn’t mutually and exclusively find pleasure in this.

As for relationships, I doubt any of “us” will ever be content with what’s considered The Norm. We do what we know how to do to get what we want: we go online. Mutual interests and hobbies aren’t enough. And we all know how the dynamic of an online relationship changes once we meet, once the physical comes into play. For the most part, it’s still unchartered territory.

The problem we have with the “missed connection” is pulling both “worlds” in sync. And because times are changing at the pace it is, it’s not a problem we’ll have for too long. You can take that to the bank.

We’ll solve this long before you can imagine.

To the reader:
What are your thoughts?

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4 responses to “Missed Connections: Online Dating.

  1. Dear author,
    I’ve been up and down the cyber dating site. you can check out my page called “looking for Mr. Right” and tell me your opinion.
    I’m open to any conve you preferred if you think we’re dealing with the same thing here.

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  2. I really liked your response and think it’s thoughtful and interesting in and of itself, but I don’t think it speaks to the OP’s concerns. Continuing to shop while you try someone one is not new, nor is it specific to online dating or the kind of people who use the internet. These insecurities she’s feeling are as old as man and woman. Truth be told, if he’s still looking, he’s probably just not that into her. If you’re not convinced someone is worth cutting off the search after seeing that person for a couple of months, well to me that sounds like a boring relationship.

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  3. Here’s another response from another site where I have posted your “dilemma”:

    “Online relationships, now thats a grey area. I have had 2 online relationships… kinda. Both just happened. I wasnt on a dating website, i met them in chat rooms. The refreshing thing about online relationships is that you make such an effort to email or get online and just talk, without the physical element. Im not saying that this physical element is not important, however, i feel that you dont make such an effort to just communicate when your relationship is not online. People online are either totally honest, or pretending to be something they arent, because they can. The first guy i was ‘seeing’ online for almost a year before we met and it lasted 3 months. He wasnt what he made himself out to be. The thing is, if you are seeing someone online, it is the same thing as seeing someone in real life, ie the intentions should be the same. So if your intentions are honourable in the real world, you would be the same online. Would you go out to bars to find someone if your already seeing sleeping with someone else? It is the same thing, no matter how its packaged.

    I like that you really get to know someone and feel comfortable with them before you meet them in the flesh. Unless you have been there yourself though, its hard to imagine how one would be able to have strong feelings for someone they havent met. 6 hour conversations on the phone followed by countless email convo’s. You dont get to do that in real life.

    Modern technology!!? I dont know. I have been dissapointed both times, and i guess thats me done with online relationships. What i will say is, dont knock it till you try it, but be very wary of who you meet online. Plenty of people have met their partners online, had a long term online relationship, and meet up sometimes years later. These can be people living in different countries as well. They do go on and get married, and some last and some dont. The change from the cyber world to the real world is difficult to make for some. But it is possible! If you go to http://www.lovingyou.com, and check out their forums you will see how many people have online relationships and what the dynamics seem to be.

    So going back to the poster, i dont think that its really that relevant that they met online for they are now having a full physical relationship in the real world. So they have made the transition so to speak. Is it fair that he is perhaps wanting more when she feels content with what they have? Well, you cant have it all. But monogamy isnt really a lot to ask. Its the least that i would expect from a partner. Yes, we are the ‘want more’ generation. However there are plenty of people out there who are content with that one person. You take the good with the bad, no one is perfect, or ideal. Thats just an image conjured up by fairy tales. We arent designed to be on our own, but i would never settle for the sake of it. If she is not the kind of girl to be a ‘friend with benefits’ and feels like he is her bf as she is sleeping with him, then she should speak to him about it. I would hate to think that he is using her just to sleep with, but stranger things have happened!!

    Relationships, regardless of their origin, are simple. Communication is key. No one can read your mind! Never change who you are, but know that at times you will have to compromise, and willingly so, as you do care about this person. Everyone has basic expectations, and so you try and find someone who you know you can get on with. The rest as they say, is history!”

    — Sandhya

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  4. As an avid IM addict, I have several online friends that I talk to daily. We talk about everything as trivial as the weather to diverse political views. I can see how a single person may find themselves intrigued by the apparent simplicity of online dating because of the convenience. They would be mistaken though. People online show certain sides of them, in person you see how multifaceted someone really is. You can’t hide the emotions conveyed in facial expressions or body language when you meet face to face.

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